Town..

Today i went to the store. Alone.
I finally got enough guts to go.. I did went at the end of the day, because i know town is mostly empty…
So i took the bus, i grabbed it on 16:24, i would be in town in 5 min. where i would go to the bank, get cash, walk to the store, in, out, back, and the bus home at 16.41.
There i went, Got in the bus, it was pretty calm so it was ok.. and how closer i came to town my heart already started bonking, warm, nercous feeling…
When i came to the atm, he denied my pas, it said i had to use my own banks atm, which is all the way to the other side of town… like, really, all the way.

I looked around me, while pingchatting with support, and started walking, i grabbed not the mainstreet, but the street next to it, so i could get to the other side as quick as i could… hopefully wouldnt see a lot of people…
I was ok, i was there, now only going back…
I walked as quick as i could, my heart was racing, i was sweathin like a constructionworking with 40 degrees heat on his head, hard breathing, and even when it isnt thát far, it seemed like ages for getting at the store that i wanted to be.
Without looking i walked in, tried to keep breathin, got what i needed, and walked out. Where i realised there were 20 persons there, in this little building, where i was too.

When i waited on the 16:58 bus back home, i tried to keep calm… i tried to not cry, or break, and then there was the bus… and while i got in, paid my ticket, i noticed it was a full bus.. ofcourse, because its 5 pm… i should have known…
I already paid so getting out wouldnt do good, plus the next one might be even fuller.. so i went sitting on a chair, as close as i could to the door… and in just a few minutes i could get out right in front of my house.

When i got up, i dropped on the couch, laid down, cried for 15 min.. and tried to not hyperventilate, or die. (yes, i know, i won’t)

I’m ok now… I feel drained.. my back and shoulders hurt… it was awefull.. I wont do it again anytime soon.. but i should think i could give myself a 2.3 now, can’t i.

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Indifferent…

While being busy with way other things [read : playing bejeweled and online ‘window’ shopping for my sister, because she just announced shes gonna live just a couple of houses away from me] my mind started to get distracted.
Thinking about how i would start my new blog, and where i want to write about.
Well, obviously, this was the start of….

I mentioned in my last (or first) post that i talked about emotions, or, no emotions because of meds.
I wondered if it could actually change not just the ‘bad’ feelings but also the good feelings.

Lately i notice that i care less about things that happen, and maybe i do care, because i know i normally would care, or that the normal human thing is to care, but the feeling is not there.
Often my head knows how i should feel, but i don’t feel like i should…

Ofcourse it is nice that these chemicals do what they have to do… I don’t have huge moodswings anymore, i feel pretty “stable”, even when i still moodswing i won’t go from “ok” to “crying in a corner”mood…

Like it’s not hard enough to keep people around you when you go from “roomtemperature”, to icecold..
What happens if you are totally indifferent….

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The beginning…

The beginning of my Tumblr blog. I was thinking about making a blog for a while,
you know people always say it might help to write things down, as a whole psychological thing… I think i am ready to give that a try.

Since i decided to make one, i was having big doubts about keeping it private, as a personal journal, so i could also write it down in my own language„ instead of English… or share it with a bunch of people i know, -and don’t know..
But i do think it would be nice to share…   Maybe.

Before i really begin, i do need to warn you… i will rant, and ramble. im sorry, or… no i am not.

I am 25. I’m a mother. I’m also struggling a depression, anxiety/panic attacks, and all the shit that comes with that.
It’s “officially diagnosed” in December 2010, which is also the moment i started my medication.

Once every 2 weeks my therapist comes over, just like today.
We talked about things i did, and would love to do.. about how meds change your emotions, i even told him things i never said out loud.

But the things which made me realise i really want to make this blog, was him asking me where i was, and where i want to be, if we would put it on a 0 till 10.
Where 0 would be being at home, and couldnt do anything myself, and 10 would be being able to live without being dependant from others.

We talked about it a bit, and after a while we put “me” on a 2.2.. (yes, that 0.2 has to be there)
I want to go to that 10, it maybe will take a while.. but i want to be able to go shopping, or grocerieshopping, or go to a cinema, without having to deal with fear.
Fear i don’t even understand, because it was never there before…

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