Today i went to the store. Alone.
I finally got enough guts to go.. I did went at the end of the day, because i know town is mostly empty…
So i took the bus, i grabbed it on 16:24, i would be in town in 5 min. where i would go to the bank, get cash, walk to the store, in, out, back, and the bus home at 16.41.
There i went, Got in the bus, it was pretty calm so it was ok.. and how closer i came to town my heart already started bonking, warm, nercous feeling…
When i came to the atm, he denied my pas, it said i had to use my own banks atm, which is all the way to the other side of town… like, really, all the way.

I looked around me, while pingchatting with support, and started walking, i grabbed not the mainstreet, but the street next to it, so i could get to the other side as quick as i could… hopefully wouldnt see a lot of people…
I was ok, i was there, now only going back…
I walked as quick as i could, my heart was racing, i was sweathin like a constructionworking with 40 degrees heat on his head, hard breathing, and even when it isnt thát far, it seemed like ages for getting at the store that i wanted to be.
Without looking i walked in, tried to keep breathin, got what i needed, and walked out. Where i realised there were 20 persons there, in this little building, where i was too.

When i waited on the 16:58 bus back home, i tried to keep calm… i tried to not cry, or break, and then there was the bus… and while i got in, paid my ticket, i noticed it was a full bus.. ofcourse, because its 5 pm… i should have known…
I already paid so getting out wouldnt do good, plus the next one might be even fuller.. so i went sitting on a chair, as close as i could to the door… and in just a few minutes i could get out right in front of my house.

When i got up, i dropped on the couch, laid down, cried for 15 min.. and tried to not hyperventilate, or die. (yes, i know, i won’t)

I’m ok now… I feel drained.. my back and shoulders hurt… it was awefull.. I wont do it again anytime soon.. but i should think i could give myself a 2.3 now, can’t i.



While being busy with way other things [read : playing bejeweled and online ‘window’ shopping for my sister, because she just announced shes gonna live just a couple of houses away from me] my mind started to get distracted.
Thinking about how i would start my new blog, and where i want to write about.
Well, obviously, this was the start of….

I mentioned in my last (or first) post that i talked about emotions, or, no emotions because of meds.
I wondered if it could actually change not just the ‘bad’ feelings but also the good feelings.

Lately i notice that i care less about things that happen, and maybe i do care, because i know i normally would care, or that the normal human thing is to care, but the feeling is not there.
Often my head knows how i should feel, but i don’t feel like i should…

Ofcourse it is nice that these chemicals do what they have to do… I don’t have huge moodswings anymore, i feel pretty “stable”, even when i still moodswing i won’t go from “ok” to “crying in a corner”mood…

Like it’s not hard enough to keep people around you when you go from “roomtemperature”, to icecold..
What happens if you are totally indifferent….


The beginning…

The beginning of my Tumblr blog. I was thinking about making a blog for a while,
you know people always say it might help to write things down, as a whole psychological thing… I think i am ready to give that a try.

Since i decided to make one, i was having big doubts about keeping it private, as a personal journal, so i could also write it down in my own language„ instead of English… or share it with a bunch of people i know, -and don’t know..
But i do think it would be nice to share…   Maybe.

Before i really begin, i do need to warn you… i will rant, and ramble. im sorry, or… no i am not.

I am 25. I’m a mother. I’m also struggling a depression, anxiety/panic attacks, and all the shit that comes with that.
It’s “officially diagnosed” in December 2010, which is also the moment i started my medication.

Once every 2 weeks my therapist comes over, just like today.
We talked about things i did, and would love to do.. about how meds change your emotions, i even told him things i never said out loud.

But the things which made me realise i really want to make this blog, was him asking me where i was, and where i want to be, if we would put it on a 0 till 10.
Where 0 would be being at home, and couldnt do anything myself, and 10 would be being able to live without being dependant from others.

We talked about it a bit, and after a while we put “me” on a 2.2.. (yes, that 0.2 has to be there)
I want to go to that 10, it maybe will take a while.. but i want to be able to go shopping, or grocerieshopping, or go to a cinema, without having to deal with fear.
Fear i don’t even understand, because it was never there before…