Scary, but Safe.

I’ve not been very busy with blogging, or thinking about blogging the last few weeks..
It’s been a weird couple of weeks, but a good weird..

I’m trying to taking therapie more serious, working on myself.. going out more, getting my own groceries, even when i am alone..
With therapie i need to analyze my own thoughts and feelings, write them down and giving them a number between 1 and 10…
Which is pretty hard i must say, because most of the time when i feel something i dont have a lot of thought about it, i just feel bad, most of the time not even knowing why exactly… so this is not really easy for me. Actually taking a bit to find out why…
Most of the time its just “I don’t know”…
Trying to be more open, instead of closing my heart and build up the wall even more…
Its scary shit, i feel very vulnerable… it doesnt really feel like me… but well, its not that i actually -know- who  ‘me’ really is anymore right.

Ive been in an relationship since the beginning of December… He makes me feel happy again…
Especially in the beginning i cried a lot about it, because i didnt knew how that felt anymore.
That sounds kindoff sad huh… Everytime i talked to my parents or sister about it i started crying – lol.
1+ year of being sad every single day, and 1 person can change that.. i don’t mind anymore to wake up and get out of bed… going through the day isnt that hard anymore.
Ofcourse im sad sometimes, i cant expect everything to be awesome right away, but he makes it all better. Hes understanding and supporting, and he lets me cry over nothing, and i do. And i never cried if i wasnt alone, but now i do.
And even with all the vulnerability, he still gives me a safe feeling.
Scary, but Safe.


Yep, Jumping in ..

Wow, its been a while for me posting anything here.
Ive been sick again, the whole dizzynessthing again, another week of hell.
The last weeks i felt like my hearing was less then normal, so i had a test last week at the docs, and lost about 23/28 decibel of my hearing… (35 dec. means you need a hearingaid!) so no that didnt make me happy hahaha.
But i need to go to the hospital for more testing, but all symptons i have look like Meniere disease.

I also been busy with doing things alone.
The last few weeks ive been to the store about 5 times alone, to hospital alone, to therapie alone, and been in a train ALONE for the first time in a year.
It was only 3 minutes to the next station, but it was a 3 minute hell.
I Survived.

I have a lot of trouble sleeping the last months… if i get 3 or 4 hours a night its long…
But i found help for that…. weed.
7 hours straight now.
(Don’t worry, all perfectly legal here ;))

Things are ok at the moment… i feel fine. i didnt feel fine like this for a long long time.



I’m Tired. Frustrated. Irritated. Upset. And i have no idea how to calm myself at this moment.

The last week i’ve been a bit blah, because today, november 1st, my first ”Cognitive behavioral therapy” Session.
Waking up at 4, and 5, and 6, and 6.30, and the alarm went about 7.
After slowly waking up i got showered, dressed, and ready to take the bus at 8.04…
So crowded, people were sitting next to me, behind me, infront of me, everywhere.. and the cold im starting to have wasnt making breathing easier.
I was there at 8.42, and at 9.15 i walked to the desk and asked if there was something wrong because i didn’t got called in yet.
Apparantly the therapist was double booked, so i came there for nothing.
Everybody else would probly be a bit pissed for waisting time, i was/am pretty upset.

When i got home, i had to call my health insurance because of my daughters transport from her school to home, because im unable to pick her up and bring her myself. Im already waiting for her to come home at night for 4 weeks now. And my health insurance just declined my request.

At 1 today the head of the group she lives on atm will call me back, and i will tell her im done, and shes coming home. ASAP.

I just don’t know how to feel, im angry, and upset, and i feel down and lost.



I used to think .. “It doesn’t matter if i have flaws, i’m a good friend”.. i always knew i was a good friend. I’m somebody to trust, im fun, i would always be there for my friends, didn’t matter what i was doing or how i felt… I always been a closed person if it came to me, i had times i was more open tho, but in general pretty closed… but i did tell how i felt, or what i was going through. I saw/spoke (to) my friends almost daily, spoke to my “online” friends all the time..

But lately, i feel like i changed too much, to be able to say “It doesn’t matter if i have flaws, i’m a good friend”… I don’t think i am anymore. I just think i have flaws. I feel lonely. And even when i try to be there, i am not, i don’t feel like talking a lot. I’m closed more than i ever was.. even when i try to talk about my feelings, i can’t.. I feel so many things and i have no idea how i should put it in words.
I used to try to make my friends feel better, and now, i think.. i don’t.

A few of you will read this… And i just wanna say,

I miss you.
And i am sorry for not being there, I’m sorry for being a bad friend.
I love you, and i can only hope you not gonna give up on me.



A few posts back i talked about my daughter and about the meeting we would have not long after that.
I thought, lets share some more info i got about it.

The meeting went fine, i heard a lot of stuff i already knew… when we came in the room, there were 8 people there.
1 from the school, 1 “play” therapist, a therapist from this, and therapist from that, a person from the “group” shes on, and the manager of that… etc etc etc.

Apparantly my daughter has ADHD, first they thought ADD but the H is definitely there, just not thát much.
She has to go to special education after this, which is fine by me. I don’t think they expected me to be all fine with it, but who cares what kind of school your kids are in, as long as they feel good and learn on their own speed.

They also asked me what i want, if i want her home – Ofcourse i do!
And that is possible…

The moment i arrange a taxi for her, because i will be unable to get her to school and the group every day, she can go home.
She would be going to school, then to the group, and after doing their therapist things, she could come home before/after dinner…  this would be going on for 3 months, and then they will see what they think is nessecary after that.

2 weeks ago i heard that, and i tried to arrange a taxi for her, ive been to the city counsel, filled in all papers, got a letter from the psychiatric institute that we need it etc etc. Just to get a phone call, about 30 minutes ago… that the papers i sent in, are not the ones i need..
Apparantly they dont even have ANYTHING to do with eachother.  The city counsel has nothing to do with the taxi for my daughter, because its not schooltransport … so now i have to wait another x amount of weeks before she can come home, because i have to take it to my health insurance.
And we allll know, how they are.

I feel tired.. and numb, and i don’t really know…
My parents, they are on warpath, so this post .. will be continued.


in the body off…..

It started with a bit tired.. so i went to bed at 9.30, which is wayyy early for me.
When i woke up, i wish i never did woke up.

Warm the one moment, cold the other. Sometimes warm and cold on the same time.
My world started spinning, and every couple of minutes it felt like it was worse than before. Not being able to walk straight, is not fun. Almost walked into a door while trying to get to the toillet.

After a few hours of laying and sleeping, i moved myself to the couch, because my father would come by so we could pick up my daughter for the weekend.
I am stubhorn, sometimes i wish i was not, because i decided to get in the car with my dad to go get her.

When we got back home it was worse than ever…
I live on the 3rd floor. That is 5 stairs.. 1 long one, and 4 shorter ones.
When i was on the half of the first stairway i felt more nauseous than i ever was, and didn’t know how fast i could come up to just lay down and close my eyes.
On this moment i was actually layin down, with my sunglasses on, because the light who comes through my eyelids was too much.

Later that night, my symptoms were also, shakey, no feeling / tintly feeling in my arms, hands, lowerlegs and feet, And a Sort of ‘electric shocks’ in my head. I begged people to give me a gun so i could shoot myself through the head.

I had this thing before, the first 3 weeks of 2011 i laid flat in bed with the same, exept the weird arm/leg and shakey things.
After calling the hospital, speaking to a doctor, and him describing me meds… I found out that there is more “In my head” … Apparantly this balance-organ-infection thing (I think Americans call it a simple inner-ear infection) is something that will come back.. like others have migrain or earache, or whatever.
I get this.
I feel okay today. The meds worked.

But, come on!
Like my head isn’t a mess enough!


Best 15 minutes…

About 4.5 months ago 3 people told me that they wanted to admit my daughter(8) for about 8 weeks, because they thought it was important to observe her and her behavior outside her ‘normal living invironment’.
I went to this institute because my daughter has trouble learning, is a bit slower than other kids from her age, and because she is having her ‘own little world of Dinosaurs’ where she loves to disappear in.
Besides that the school she was on didn’t had any idea how to deal with her, because her attentionspan was 0,1, so her teacher mostly just gave her other assignments when the other kids were doing their jobs.

Together with her Remedial Teacher (Who is amazing btw), we decided that it would be better for her that she would be tested, and move to a “special education” school.
My daughter is a tall girl, she was already one of the oldest in her class, and all the kids are shorter than her, so it wouldnt be smart to put her another year in this class.
But after this institute tested her, they told me about those 8 weeks…
Something i never expected.

Ofcourse i talked about her ‘Symptoms’ with friends, i googled them… and it was pretty obvious that she is having ADD.
I said that to this institute, but ofcourse (and i get that) they wanted to observe her themselfs, and they didn’t think it was smart to keep her at home while they were doing it.

Today, it’s wednesday.. This is week 7, day 3.
Wednesdays became one of the fav days of my week… Because every wednesday, at 18:15, I’m allowed to call my baby for 15 minutes.

Today she told me about her English class, which she loves… (This isn’t her first language) , About what she ate the last 3 days, About Boxing in Gymclass, About how her greatgrandma keeps sending her the sweetest postcards, and about how much she misses me, her grandparents, her auntie and little niece.
Those 15 minutes are gone before you know it… but its those 15 minutes that give me the strenth to hold on untill fridays 15.30h, when i can go and pick her up for the weekend.

Tomorrow morning, 9 am, i have a meeting there, and i will hear what they think, found, and when/how they want to get her back home.. to me.
I’m nervous.


A Bad Day….

When i woke up i already felt it…
This would be a bad day.

I feel tired, exhausted actually. I’m cranky. I’m annoyed. I’m sad. I’m a lot of things today, without having a good reason. Or maybe i should say “without a real reason”.
I don’t feel like talking, or chatting, on the one hand i don’t even feel like writing this down, but on the other hand, this is the reason i started this blog, didnt i?
Writing down the things that bother me, and how i feel, or not feel….

Last winter my doctor did some bloodtests, she told me that i had a huge short of Vitamin D… which explained why i was so tired and down, besides the whole Depression thing ofcourse…
So when i saw our ‘summer’ suck so bad you could have called it Fall… I started to already take some extra VD’s…

I’m afraid, looking back over the last weeks, that its gonna be a very long, dark and depressing winter…
I need to move to a warm sunny country… it would make things so much better, and if not… at least so much more tanner.