Friends.

I used to think .. “It doesn’t matter if i have flaws, i’m a good friend”.. i always knew i was a good friend. I’m somebody to trust, im fun, i would always be there for my friends, didn’t matter what i was doing or how i felt… I always been a closed person if it came to me, i had times i was more open tho, but in general pretty closed… but i did tell how i felt, or what i was going through. I saw/spoke (to) my friends almost daily, spoke to my “online” friends all the time..

But lately, i feel like i changed too much, to be able to say “It doesn’t matter if i have flaws, i’m a good friend”… I don’t think i am anymore. I just think i have flaws. I feel lonely. And even when i try to be there, i am not, i don’t feel like talking a lot. I’m closed more than i ever was.. even when i try to talk about my feelings, i can’t.. I feel so many things and i have no idea how i should put it in words.
I used to try to make my friends feel better, and now, i think.. i don’t.

A few of you will read this… And i just wanna say,

I miss you.
And i am sorry for not being there, I’m sorry for being a bad friend.
I love you, and i can only hope you not gonna give up on me.

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ADHD

A few posts back i talked about my daughter and about the meeting we would have not long after that.
I thought, lets share some more info i got about it.

The meeting went fine, i heard a lot of stuff i already knew… when we came in the room, there were 8 people there.
1 from the school, 1 “play” therapist, a therapist from this, and therapist from that, a person from the “group” shes on, and the manager of that… etc etc etc.

Apparantly my daughter has ADHD, first they thought ADD but the H is definitely there, just not thát much.
She has to go to special education after this, which is fine by me. I don’t think they expected me to be all fine with it, but who cares what kind of school your kids are in, as long as they feel good and learn on their own speed.

They also asked me what i want, if i want her home – Ofcourse i do!
And that is possible…

The moment i arrange a taxi for her, because i will be unable to get her to school and the group every day, she can go home.
She would be going to school, then to the group, and after doing their therapist things, she could come home before/after dinner…  this would be going on for 3 months, and then they will see what they think is nessecary after that.

2 weeks ago i heard that, and i tried to arrange a taxi for her, ive been to the city counsel, filled in all papers, got a letter from the psychiatric institute that we need it etc etc. Just to get a phone call, about 30 minutes ago… that the papers i sent in, are not the ones i need..
Apparantly they dont even have ANYTHING to do with eachother.  The city counsel has nothing to do with the taxi for my daughter, because its not schooltransport … so now i have to wait another x amount of weeks before she can come home, because i have to take it to my health insurance.
And we allll know, how they are.

I feel tired.. and numb, and i don’t really know…
My parents, they are on warpath, so this post .. will be continued.

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in the body off…..

It started with a bit tired.. so i went to bed at 9.30, which is wayyy early for me.
When i woke up, i wish i never did woke up.

Warm the one moment, cold the other. Sometimes warm and cold on the same time.
My world started spinning, and every couple of minutes it felt like it was worse than before. Not being able to walk straight, is not fun. Almost walked into a door while trying to get to the toillet.

After a few hours of laying and sleeping, i moved myself to the couch, because my father would come by so we could pick up my daughter for the weekend.
I am stubhorn, sometimes i wish i was not, because i decided to get in the car with my dad to go get her.

When we got back home it was worse than ever…
I live on the 3rd floor. That is 5 stairs.. 1 long one, and 4 shorter ones.
When i was on the half of the first stairway i felt more nauseous than i ever was, and didn’t know how fast i could come up to just lay down and close my eyes.
On this moment i was actually layin down, with my sunglasses on, because the light who comes through my eyelids was too much.

Later that night, my symptoms were also, shakey, no feeling / tintly feeling in my arms, hands, lowerlegs and feet, And a Sort of ‘electric shocks’ in my head. I begged people to give me a gun so i could shoot myself through the head.

I had this thing before, the first 3 weeks of 2011 i laid flat in bed with the same, exept the weird arm/leg and shakey things.
After calling the hospital, speaking to a doctor, and him describing me meds… I found out that there is more “In my head” … Apparantly this balance-organ-infection thing (I think Americans call it a simple inner-ear infection) is something that will come back.. like others have migrain or earache, or whatever.
I get this.
I feel okay today. The meds worked.

But, come on!
Like my head isn’t a mess enough!

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Best 15 minutes…

About 4.5 months ago 3 people told me that they wanted to admit my daughter(8) for about 8 weeks, because they thought it was important to observe her and her behavior outside her ‘normal living invironment’.
I went to this institute because my daughter has trouble learning, is a bit slower than other kids from her age, and because she is having her ‘own little world of Dinosaurs’ where she loves to disappear in.
Besides that the school she was on didn’t had any idea how to deal with her, because her attentionspan was 0,1, so her teacher mostly just gave her other assignments when the other kids were doing their jobs.

Together with her Remedial Teacher (Who is amazing btw), we decided that it would be better for her that she would be tested, and move to a “special education” school.
My daughter is a tall girl, she was already one of the oldest in her class, and all the kids are shorter than her, so it wouldnt be smart to put her another year in this class.
But after this institute tested her, they told me about those 8 weeks…
Something i never expected.

Ofcourse i talked about her ‘Symptoms’ with friends, i googled them… and it was pretty obvious that she is having ADD.
I said that to this institute, but ofcourse (and i get that) they wanted to observe her themselfs, and they didn’t think it was smart to keep her at home while they were doing it.

Today, it’s wednesday.. This is week 7, day 3.
Wednesdays became one of the fav days of my week… Because every wednesday, at 18:15, I’m allowed to call my baby for 15 minutes.

Today she told me about her English class, which she loves… (This isn’t her first language) , About what she ate the last 3 days, About Boxing in Gymclass, About how her greatgrandma keeps sending her the sweetest postcards, and about how much she misses me, her grandparents, her auntie and little niece.
Those 15 minutes are gone before you know it… but its those 15 minutes that give me the strenth to hold on untill fridays 15.30h, when i can go and pick her up for the weekend.

Tomorrow morning, 9 am, i have a meeting there, and i will hear what they think, found, and when/how they want to get her back home.. to me.
I’m nervous.

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A Bad Day….

When i woke up i already felt it…
This would be a bad day.

I feel tired, exhausted actually. I’m cranky. I’m annoyed. I’m sad. I’m a lot of things today, without having a good reason. Or maybe i should say “without a real reason”.
I don’t feel like talking, or chatting, on the one hand i don’t even feel like writing this down, but on the other hand, this is the reason i started this blog, didnt i?
Writing down the things that bother me, and how i feel, or not feel….

Last winter my doctor did some bloodtests, she told me that i had a huge short of Vitamin D… which explained why i was so tired and down, besides the whole Depression thing ofcourse…
So when i saw our ‘summer’ suck so bad you could have called it Fall… I started to already take some extra VD’s…

I’m afraid, looking back over the last weeks, that its gonna be a very long, dark and depressing winter…
I need to move to a warm sunny country… it would make things so much better, and if not… at least so much more tanner.

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Town..

Today i went to the store. Alone.
I finally got enough guts to go.. I did went at the end of the day, because i know town is mostly empty…
So i took the bus, i grabbed it on 16:24, i would be in town in 5 min. where i would go to the bank, get cash, walk to the store, in, out, back, and the bus home at 16.41.
There i went, Got in the bus, it was pretty calm so it was ok.. and how closer i came to town my heart already started bonking, warm, nercous feeling…
When i came to the atm, he denied my pas, it said i had to use my own banks atm, which is all the way to the other side of town… like, really, all the way.

I looked around me, while pingchatting with support, and started walking, i grabbed not the mainstreet, but the street next to it, so i could get to the other side as quick as i could… hopefully wouldnt see a lot of people…
I was ok, i was there, now only going back…
I walked as quick as i could, my heart was racing, i was sweathin like a constructionworking with 40 degrees heat on his head, hard breathing, and even when it isnt thát far, it seemed like ages for getting at the store that i wanted to be.
Without looking i walked in, tried to keep breathin, got what i needed, and walked out. Where i realised there were 20 persons there, in this little building, where i was too.

When i waited on the 16:58 bus back home, i tried to keep calm… i tried to not cry, or break, and then there was the bus… and while i got in, paid my ticket, i noticed it was a full bus.. ofcourse, because its 5 pm… i should have known…
I already paid so getting out wouldnt do good, plus the next one might be even fuller.. so i went sitting on a chair, as close as i could to the door… and in just a few minutes i could get out right in front of my house.

When i got up, i dropped on the couch, laid down, cried for 15 min.. and tried to not hyperventilate, or die. (yes, i know, i won’t)

I’m ok now… I feel drained.. my back and shoulders hurt… it was awefull.. I wont do it again anytime soon.. but i should think i could give myself a 2.3 now, can’t i.

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Indifferent…

While being busy with way other things [read : playing bejeweled and online ‘window’ shopping for my sister, because she just announced shes gonna live just a couple of houses away from me] my mind started to get distracted.
Thinking about how i would start my new blog, and where i want to write about.
Well, obviously, this was the start of….

I mentioned in my last (or first) post that i talked about emotions, or, no emotions because of meds.
I wondered if it could actually change not just the ‘bad’ feelings but also the good feelings.

Lately i notice that i care less about things that happen, and maybe i do care, because i know i normally would care, or that the normal human thing is to care, but the feeling is not there.
Often my head knows how i should feel, but i don’t feel like i should…

Ofcourse it is nice that these chemicals do what they have to do… I don’t have huge moodswings anymore, i feel pretty “stable”, even when i still moodswing i won’t go from “ok” to “crying in a corner”mood…

Like it’s not hard enough to keep people around you when you go from “roomtemperature”, to icecold..
What happens if you are totally indifferent….

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The beginning…

The beginning of my Tumblr blog. I was thinking about making a blog for a while,
you know people always say it might help to write things down, as a whole psychological thing… I think i am ready to give that a try.

Since i decided to make one, i was having big doubts about keeping it private, as a personal journal, so i could also write it down in my own language„ instead of English… or share it with a bunch of people i know, -and don’t know..
But i do think it would be nice to share…   Maybe.

Before i really begin, i do need to warn you… i will rant, and ramble. im sorry, or… no i am not.

I am 25. I’m a mother. I’m also struggling a depression, anxiety/panic attacks, and all the shit that comes with that.
It’s “officially diagnosed” in December 2010, which is also the moment i started my medication.

Once every 2 weeks my therapist comes over, just like today.
We talked about things i did, and would love to do.. about how meds change your emotions, i even told him things i never said out loud.

But the things which made me realise i really want to make this blog, was him asking me where i was, and where i want to be, if we would put it on a 0 till 10.
Where 0 would be being at home, and couldnt do anything myself, and 10 would be being able to live without being dependant from others.

We talked about it a bit, and after a while we put “me” on a 2.2.. (yes, that 0.2 has to be there)
I want to go to that 10, it maybe will take a while.. but i want to be able to go shopping, or grocerieshopping, or go to a cinema, without having to deal with fear.
Fear i don’t even understand, because it was never there before…

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